


Forever Secret

by 1jet2unknown



Series: Forever Secret Series [1]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Show Business, Stardom, fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-03
Updated: 2013-11-03
Packaged: 2017-12-31 08:49:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1029721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1jet2unknown/pseuds/1jet2unknown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eeteuk is caught watching Kangteuk-Fanvids online and made fun of by his friends. Only little do they know how miserable the leader is about his feelings for his dongsaeng...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was my very first KangTeuk fiction. It's already quite old actually, but as I plan on putting some new fanfictions in here, I thought I move my old finished fictions here, too. Please enjoy :)

„What are you doing, hyung?“  
  
I jumped at the question thrown at me and gulped as I knew who this voice belonged to. “N… Nothing in special…”, I muttered but seemed to be too slow at closing the windows on my laptop as I heard Kangin chuckle next to my ear. “Fanvideos?”, he asked with a smirk on his face.  
I felt my cheeks burn with a blush as I cleared my throat and answered “Yeah… it’s funny, right?” My laugh pitched a lot higher as it normal does and I lifted my hand to free my face from my bangs.  
I heard other voices behind me. “Is it really that much fun watching videos where people pair you up with our badass-Kangin?”, Eunhyuk laughed as he tried to get away from Kangins fist.   
“If your fangirlies would see you watching their videos they might feel that they’re right about you and Kangin being a couple!”, Sungmin smiled and reached over my shoulder to open up one of the minimized windows and push the play button to rewatch the kangteuk-video. I just sat there, my heart racing with fear, my fingers playing with my hair trying to cover my bright red face.  
“You guys really are over each other a lot… did you notice that?”  
  
“Come on, guys… it’s for the fans and you know it…”, I tried to get them to shut up but Sungmin just lifted the shield of his cap with his index finger and grinned. “Well well… you sure about that?”   
I knew he was joking, but I felt cornered and about to fall into panic. What would I do if they ever found out about my mixed feelings for my dongsaeng? Wouldn’t they start to avoid me if they found out that my eyes target a guy? That sometimes I can hardly hold back to not just push my lips on his? If they ever found out – if HE ever found out – he’d be done for Super Junior. They wouldn’t be able to perform together, wouldn’t be able to live together anymore… there was nothing more frightening to me than this. So it should be kept a secret. If things could just stay the way they were… hanging around and having fun with everyone, being able to sometimes enjoy the feeling of Kangins fingers on my hips, my shoulder, feel him giving me a slight hug, … . I wouldn’t risk all of this happiness. It was enough for me to sometimes watch those videos and imagine him really loving me… I was fine with my way of mixing reality and imagination to create my own happiness… .  
  
It was Kangins comment that made my heated cheeks freeze and my heartbeat stop: “You really think I’d be _that_ desperate to go after Eeteuk?! I can have more girls than any of you guys, ya know!” He folded his arms in front of his huge chest and grinned. I stared at him for a second, than averted my eyes and plucked on my bangs again, pushing Sungminnies hand away from my laptop and shutting it hastily.   
That’s it. I had the answer I didn’t want to hear… and hence would never be able to make the line between reality and imagination blur. He’d never be that desperate. He’d never chose me. How could he? I’m a _boy_. And even when cross-dressing for some stupid show, there was no one who would believe in me becoming a real woman.  
“Yeah right,” I agreed with a cracking voice. “You know how much a player Kangin is, right? He’d never chase someone like me…” I was able to form a fake smile but just couldn’t bring myself to look in Kangins eyes.  
  
“Don’t underestimate your girly features!”, Eunhyuk laughed loud but got punished with a hard hit on the head just seconds later. “Don’t you talk like this to your hyung!”, Kangin growled. “Eeteuk might be beautiful but he’s no girl!”  
It hurt. It hurt so much that all I could do was smile at the gentle protection of my beloved dongsaeng. As always he protected me. He’d never let someone talk bad about me or hurt me. He’d always be there by my side, being nice, being gentle . But there was no deeper meaning behind it. I was his hyung, his leader, his friend. Nothing more.   
But it was enough. It was enough. It had to be enough. At least this was what I had told me all along. And now was exactly the time I just had to believe in those words… .  
“Come on, don’t get violent..”, I mumbled with a simper and patted his strong arm. I couldn’t smile directly at him. He’d look into my eyes and he’d just _know_. He’d know everything. And this would be the end. So I couldn’t look up, I couldn’t smile at him, I couldn’t lie to him with this fake smile and those trembling dimples.  
Kangin sighed, a gentle smile on his beautiful face, his eyes caringly on my lowered head. “Right, right.”  
  
Sungmin just watched us and pinched Eunhyuks elbow so that he squeaked in pain and pouted at his friend. Minnie was sharp. Very sharp. And I feared he might have seen right through me. I risked a look in his direction, but averted my eyes the second I met his sharp eyes, his look inquiringly lying upon my face. My heartbeat increased, the blood rushing through my veins… .   
  
I had to get away. Away from Sungmin, away from Eunhyuk, away from Kangin. They might find out. I had done my best to keep it secret after having a hard time accepting my own feelings. When even I wasn’t able to fully accept those feelings how could the others possibly do so? How could they follow a leader that looked at one of them in _this_ way?  
  
“Hyuuung~! Don’t run away!! I’m sorry, ok?” I heard Eunhyukkies voice as I walked past Kangin through the door without having said anything anymore. “You’re not girly! Not at all! You’re a true man!” I couldn’t help but slip a laugh at those words. I lifted my hand and smiled at him for a second before continuing my way to the kitchen. He didn’t mean any harm, I knew this. At least his words proved that he was unaware of my feelings for Kangin. I should have been happy. But it hurt. _You’re a true man._ Yes… indeed… .


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eeteuk has to take over the role of waking up Kangin... which makes it even harder for him to keep his feelings hidden.

“Where’s Kangin?”, I asked the other members while getting some drinks from the fridge and handing them over to a sleepy Shindong. Everyone had slept over at our dorm last night, since we were going to get picked up pretty early for a gig.  
Hankyung had helped me waking up the other members, but it seemed like he hadn’t succeeded in waking up Kangin. Everyone knew that he was moody in the morning and could kick your ass if you dared to wake him from his dreams. So most of the members just let him sleep. Even the hyper Donghae and Eunhyuk didn’t dare to jump on Kangins bed shouting stupid kids-songs as they did with almost everyone else, who wasn’t out of bed fast enough.  
Sungmin walked into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He was the last one missing beside Kangin.

I checked the clock and scratched my forehead. “Hankyung, could you try to wake him once more? We really have to get ready!” Our Chinese boy sighed as my pleading eyes met his and stuffed the rest of his toast in his mouth before answering: “Come on, hyung! He’ going to kill me…” And just as I wanted to say something he added: “He was threatening me before already!” Donghae nodded and took a gulp of orange juice out of his glass cup. “You should just go yourself”, he looked at me innocently. “He’ll kill everyone who wakes him up – but not you!”

I sighed. It’s not that they were wrong. And it’s not that I didn’t want to wake him up… it was just… . You really think I’d be that desperate to go after Eeteuk?! His words were still stuck in my head and for some stupid reason made me unable to look him straight in the face. So I tried my best to avoid being alone with him.

As I felt everyone’s gaze upon me and saw Sungmin showing me his watch to remind me how late it already was I gave in. “Got it, got it… I’ll wake him up. But you guys get ready! Quickly!! Manager-hyung will be angry if we’re not down in 20 minutes! So clean up the kitchen, brush your teeth, wash your….” “Yeah, yeah! Just get going!!”, the other members shook their had grinning and pushed me through the kitchen door.  
Maybe sometimes I really acted too much like a mother hen, I thought. But as I stood in front of Kangins door I didn’t have time to think about that anymore. I slowly took in my breath and knocked on the door before opening it silently. “Kangin…?”, I asked whispering. “Wake up… we have to get going!”  
He didn’t move at all.  
“Kangin!”, I raised my voice a bit and put my hand on his arm.  
He looked like a small kid, half of the blanket stuffed between his legs, his strong arms hugging his pillow, his face showing a gentle sleepiness. I couldn’t help but smile… watching his breathing lift his breast and lower it again had a strangely calming effect on me.  
“Kangin-ah, wake up!”, I repeated again, but all I got as a reply was a grumpy mumbling.  
“You’re getting me in trouble if you don’t get up now…”, I pleaded, this time with a bit more force. “Kangiiin, I… !” But before I could end the sentence one of his arms was lifted, slung around my waist and pulled me onto the bed straight into my dongsaengs hug. “Just shut up…”, he yawned, only one of his eyes open, blinking at the sudden brightness of day.

“K…Kangin….”, I stuttered and I felt my heartbeat increase drastically. The strength of his arms around my torso, the sweet smell of sleep on his soft skin, his warm breath stroking my neck. It drove me crazy.  
It made me love him, every inch of his person.  
It made me love him more and more every second I could feel his breath, could hear his heartbeat could feel his fingers stroking my back.  
“Kangin….”, my voice trembled slightly. “Come on.. we have only like 15 minutes left…”  
I lifted my head and tried to read his face. His lips were pulled in a content slight smile, his eyes were still only half opened and laid sleepy on me. “….5 minutes.”, was all I got from him in a hoarse voice.  
I sighed. I felt that I should’ve just hit him in the head and drag him out of his compfy, warm bed. I knew I should’ve forced him to finally fully wake up. But he looked so happy, so content, so sweet. And I could feel his warm body, his arms, his hands, his breath, his heartbeat, his… .  
So I just placed my head on his upper arm and closed my eyes for a while, listening to every little noise he made. The heat from my cheeks decreased and my chaotic heartbeat found his rhythm again. I never felt such a calmness. I felt at ease, forgot about the other members, the manager, the gig, the fans, everything. All there was was Kangin and myself. My heartbeat merging with his. The melody of his breathing. Just me and him. Just Kangin and Eeteuk. Just Youngwoon and Junsu.

It was a small and familiar chuckle coming from the door which broke into this moment of perfect life.  
“I guess that means Kangin won…”, Donghae grinned. Eunhyuks face appeared behind him. “Not even a leader can win against raccoons sleepiness!”, he agreed.  
I looked at them over Kangins broad shoulders and opened my mouth to slip a comment, but before the words left my mouth I could see Sungminnie behind them, slapping them both jokingly on the head. “Leave them be!”, he warned the two trouble makers. “You still wear your PJs… better get ready!”  
Fishy and Hyukkie made a face and then quickly left to change. “Thanks… really.”, I sighed, a grateful smile on my face. Eventhough he didn’t look like it Sungmin was one of the members I depended on the most. When Kangin wasn’t there to take my worries away by a small hug or one of his refreshing jokes and calming laughs it was Sungmin who I knew I could talk to. He always knew the right words to make me feel less weak again and he just found a good solution for every problem there was in the whole world.  
“You two should stop cuddling, too and get ready!”, the younger one pulled me out of my thoughts. Cuddling? My eyes widened.

What the hell did I do here? I had come to Kangins room to wake him up! My whole face burning with a bright red blush I pushed hard against Kangins chest, the sudden impact making me fall over the edge of his bed and hit hard on the floor. I moaned and rubbed my hurt back.  
“You ok?” Before I was fully in sitting position Kangin already knelt next to me, a worried look on his face as he inspected my body. I slipped a laugh at his sudden wake up. He really was just too nice. Too damn nice. People could get the wrong impression. I could get the wrong impression.

“I’m fine… really. Don’t worry”, I smiled at him. “You better get ready now or manager-hyung will yell at me again..” But Kangin still didn’t move an inch. Instead he looked at me slinging his arm around my waist to help me up.  
Sungmin had watched the whole scene leaning in the door and lifted an eyebrow as I spotted him. I pulled away from my dongsaeng and gulped, feeling my face blushing once more.  
Did he notice?  
I didn’t dare to look at him.  
What if Kangin had felt me twitching as he touched my waist? crossed my mind. Panicking I glanced at him, hoping that he was too sleepy to discover my feelings for him.  
He just smiled at me, a questioning look in his eyes. He didn’t know. Thanks god he hadn’t noticed.

“Well….”, Sungmin interrupted our togetherness once more. “…I’ll gather the others at the front door. You guys should hurry up.” He lifted his hand and disappeared.  
I nodded and wound myself out of Kangins embrace. “You should get dressed and wash your face”, I smiled at him, feeling my dimples showing. He just nodded and took my hand, looking me once more deep in my eyes. “You sure you didn’t hurt yourself?” I laughed and tipped his forehead. “Of course, dummy. Don’t worry. Hurry up” He really was too nice, too gentle, too caring.  
I mustn’t misunderstand. I mustn’t get my hopes up. I mustn’t fall in love even more.  
You really think I’d be that desperate to go after Eeteuk?!  
I mustn’t forget.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eeteuk makes a huge mistake when he's drunk...

“Why are all of you going to bed already?”, I heard myself ask with a slow tongue.  
 My eyes were shut as my head moved in a slow circle above my shoulders. I really could feel the effect of the alcohol already… .  
  
We had had a pretty busy schedule the whole day. The last appointment being a big performance on a live show.  
I could feel my heartbeat increase remembering how Kangin had taken my hand on stage and smiled at me in that playful, charming way. The fangirls almost fell over unconscious. I did too… .   
But I knew it was just for fanservice, when he stroke his thumb over the back of my hand while singing his part of the song. It was just for fanservice when I smiled back at him with all the love showing in my eyes. It was just for fanservice when he didn’t let go of my hand even after the song had ended and the music stopped. It was just for fanservice when he pulled me into a gentle hug as the MC was saying some final words to our performance. And it was just for fanservice when I put my hands on his.  
Just for fanservice I told myself over and over again. I mustn’t forget that Kangteuk wasn’t real, that it was constructed to gain fans, to entertain fans, to please the fans imaginations. It was neither for Kangin nor for myself.  
  
It had been way past midnight as we had said goodbye to the staff and gotten onto the small bus. I had been the only one who fell asleep on Kangins shoulder during our way back to our dorm as the others had still been hyper about our good performances that day.  
As the car had come to stop in front of the huge building I had been woken by Kangin gentle whispering into my ear. His warm fingers had been caressing the skin behind my ear and I had wished to never have to open my eyes, to just be able to stay in this moment…   
_You really think I’d be that desperate to go after Eeteuk?!_  
In remembrance of his words I couldn’t help but opened my eyes.  
We had been told that we only had a show to attend in the evening the next day so everyone stayed over to have a good drink together once again.  
  
And here we were, sitting on and in front of the couch in the middle of a pile of bottles and cans. Everybody besides Sungmin, Eunhyuk, Heechul, Siwon, Kangin and me had already left for their beds. It had been a busy day after all and some just didn’t take the alcohol that good. Not that I did. I was weak to alcohol and everybody knew. But still I loved drinking with all of the Super Junior members. I loved drinking with my SuJu-family. I didn’t have to get wasted – like Kyuhun and Donghae who had occupied the bathroom for over an hour while Heechul had been hammering against the locked door screaming every insult that crossed his mind – but I just enjoyed the slow tipsiness on my tongue while watching the other members talk in big gestures, making fun of each other, playing all kind of stupid games and just enjoying themselves.  
  
But it was already two bottles of soju after that point and everyone had gotten sleepy or too drunk and now Siwon slung his arms around Heechul, lifting him in a careful embrace and nodding in our direction as to excuse himself before leaving for the night.  
Eunhyuks eyes followed them - slow from the alcohol – and he yawned.  “It’s really late… even if we don’t have to get up that early we should sleep, too”, Sungmin said as he started cleaning the mess that everyone had left in the living room. Eunhyuk scratched his head and nodded in silent agreement, then got up to lend Sungmin a hand.  
“It’s ok, you two”, I smiled in their direction when I noticed their overwhelming sleepiness. “Let us hyungs handle this and just go to sleep” Kangin nodded and patted my head which laid on his broad shoulder.  
Eunhyuk happily nodded and yawned once more. I thought I could see a slight smile crossing Sungmins lips before he too nodded and took Eunhyukkie by his arm and with him out of the living room.   
  
I stood up, dizzy from the soju and looked around. I took some of the bottles and put them in a plastic bag. “They’re really like kids when drunk…”, I murmured, a smile forming on my lips while I picked up most of the crashed chips Donghae and Eunhyuk had spread all over the floor.   
“Come on, Kangin, help me!”, I yawned. But I got no answer.   
“Kangin…”, I tried to fix my eyes on my dongsaeng, who sat on the floor, his back against the couch. Just then I noticed that he had fallen asleep.  
I smiled. His expression was so calm… just like the morning before, when I tried to wake him. I never had seen someone look so sweet when sleeping. It took my breath every single time I was able to watch this expression.  
  
“Kangin…”, I said in an almost whispering voice and put away the bag I had filled with the litter. “Go to your bed…. Your neck will hurt if you sleep like this.” Steady breathing was the reply I got.  
I smiled and walked up to him, kneeling in front of him. “Kangin…”  
It must have been the alcohol making me unable to avert my eyes. All I could do was stare at his calm and gorgeous complexion. I felt my fingers stroking along his jaw-bone only slightly touching his warm and soft skin. “Kangin...” I whispered once more.  
  
I could see his eyes wander under the closed eyelids and felt his slow breathing on my face. It had to be the alcohol that made his face suddenly seem so much closer to my own… .  
“Ka- … Youngwoon...”, my voice was barely audible.  
It was the alcohol, for sure. I wouldn’t risk the life I led now if I’d been sober.   
I wouldn’t have watched him as intensively as I did, I wouldn’t have knelt so close to him, I wouldn’t have bend forward and I’d never in the least would have tasted his lips.   
It just had to be the alcohol.  
I stared at him as I opened my eyes again. Seemed he hadn’t noticed anything. he was still sound asleep as I felt my blood rush through my veins trying to support my strong heartbeat the best it could.  
Just once. Just once more I’d give in to my drunkenness and bend my head forward so my lips met his. I never knew lips could be this soft… .  
We had often fooled around in front of the camera, pretending to kiss, but this was way beyond anything I could’ve imagined. It…

I heard a noise behind me, making me back up in panic. Had anybody still been up watching?   
My breathing stopped for a second as my mind skipped.  
What had I done? How could I kiss Youngwoon? How could I kiss my dongsaeng? How could I risk all of this?  
I felt the dizziness taking over as my eyes wandered around the livingroom terrified. How could I do this to my family? How could I do this to him?  
 _You really think I’d be that desperate to go after Eeteuk?!_  
How could I have forgotten his words even only a second?  
  
I felt tears dwelling in my eyes, stinging and burning. My heartbeat drone in my head making me unable to hear my own rushed thoughts anymore.  
My hands trembling decreased as I was unable to spot anyone. Maybe I had been imagining…. Or it had been  someone of the members falling from his bed.  
I sat down on the floor a few steps from Kangin and looked at him, trying to get my heart and mind to calm down.   
There had been no one… .   
No one saw. No one knew. I could still be Super Juniors umma. I could still be leader. No one knew.  
  
The next day I was woken by a sudden freezing cold on my cheek. I squeaked and opened my eyes to find a grinning Donghae standing in front of my bed holding a can of juice in his pale fingers. “It’s almost time for lunch, hyung! Wake uup~!!”, he grinned and jumped on my bed making my body bounce.   
“Please…”, I croaked. My throat hurt and I could feel a stingy pain in my forehead. I really had drunk way too much yesterday… . “Donghae, please spare me… .”  
  
I wanted to sleep some more, hoping my body would just forget the aftereffects of the alcohol. And maybe I was a bit afraid to face a certain someone… but only maybe.  
  
“But everyone else is up already!”, the hyper boy was all smiles as he took a sip from the cold can. “And Kangin told us to wake you so you don’t miss Hankyungs yummy lunch.”  
I twitched at the name of the guy I took such advantage of last night and felt my headache increase. “I’m not hungry….”, I stuttered and tried to bury myself under my blanket.  
“You really should eat something”, I heard deep, familiar voice coming from the door.  
I froze for a second, then lifted my head from the pillow and took a look over my shoulder.  
Kangin stepped into my room, a glass of water and a painkiller in his hands and one of his wonderful smiles on his face. “You’re quite hung over, hm?”, he grinned and I found myself staring at his lips.  
You mustn’t remember!!! I immediately hid my heated face in the pillow and simply nodded as an answer, since I feared the trembling in my voice would give me away.  
Kangin pushed Donghae from the bed and sat next to me, offering me the painkiller again.  
I took a deep breath and lifted my head, hoping that he wouldn’t see the guilt in my eyes. “Thank you, Kangin…”, I muttered, my eyes eagerly trying to avoid his.  
He just smiled at me, handing me the glass of water and freed my forehead from my tousled bangs. And I shuddered at the feel of his fingers on my skin. I knew he didn’t mean anything with this gesture… I knew, yet there was this tight feeling in my chest and it took my breath… .  
  
If only I hadn’t kissed him. If only I had held back, hadn’t given in!  
It had been enough for me to stay by his side and be able to enjoy those small moments of gentleness. Super Junior and Super Juniors happiness had been the most important thing for me. And then I had been giving in to my feelings, destroying all I had. Destroying the things dearest to me.  
How could I possibly continue the way we had acted towards each other uptill now? How was I supposed to do fanservice with Kangin when it wretched my heart, when I really loved him?  
I gently pushed his hand away a scattered smile on my face which I excused lousily with my hangover. I could see the worry in his eyes and I felt bad. But I couldn’t let him be nice to me anymore.  
  
Maybe I could have lied to myself more, could have made me believe that it’s just me confusion the daily closeness with such a huge feeling. I was sure I could have held this way of being around each other… but now it was too late. I had kissed him and taken every chance to hide behind my lie of him being just one of the members, one of my family. Now I was conscious of my feelings for him. Of his lips. I wouldn’t be able to look him into the eyes anymore without him discovering the lust in my own.  
  
I had to get away from him or I’d give myself away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eeteuk starts to get sick from worrying so much... people might start to notice?

“Teukie-hyung! Teukie-hyung!!”  
Why didn’t they shut up? I could hear them perfectly fine.  
  
“Teukie-hyung!!”, Ryeowooks worried voice reached my ear one more time. I answered with a moan and slowly started to open my eyes.

“Out of my way!” I could hear Kangins growling voice, full of worry. He was the first one I could see when I got my eyes open. He knelt in front of  me a concerned look in his eyes as he took my head in one of his big palms and carefully lifted it up. “You ok, hyung?”  
  
What had happened? I didn’t really remember… but I felt this disturbingly numb feeling on my whole body and the headache building up on the spot right over my right eye.  
  
“Yeah…”, I muttered as I sat up, Kangins arm giving me support. “Yeah I’m fine. Don’t worry.”  
I smiled at the other members, all gathered around the place where I had fallen over unconscious just a few seconds before. “You don’t look too fine…”, Hankyung stated and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Heechul and Siwon agreed with a silent nod.  
  
“You should rest more and work less…” I knew it was Sungmins sighing voice but I didn’t dare to look him in the face. His eyes showed that he knew more than he admitted. I had felt his gaze following me for the past weeks. And it made me feel even more guilty than I already did.  
  
“I’m fine… really!”, I tried to convince them again. Kyhuhun had brought a chair over and Kangin carefully placed me on it. The headache and the heated places where Kangins arm had touched my skin just now were driving me crazy. I knew Sungminnie was right. I just worked way more than my body could handle. But if I didn’t… .  
  
After the night where I had tasted the sweetest and softest lips I hadn’t been able to calm down when I was around my strong dongsaeng. I was sure he hadn’t noticed anything, since he was acting the same supporting gentle way around me as always. I also didn’t think anyone had noticed what had happened in the living room that day.   
Everyone was just the same as always:   
Donghae and Eunhyuk were – as always - driving everyone crazy with their kinky games, Sungminnie the only one able to stop them; Heechul had started to argue a lot with Siwon over religious believes and their function in life, Hankyung just watching them, sometimes bugging in if Heechul got too furious attacking the other one; Yesung had something bad planned again - his mischievous smirk gave him away - and it was most likely Kibum who had to suffer since he was just a tiny bit more dense as Kyuhun and Ryeowook, who both tried to avoid grinning Yesung as they smelled the rat.  
  
Nothing had changed. Nothing but me.   
Whenever Kangin was around me I felt my chest tighten and I grew painfully aware of my feelings for him. I started to avoid his eyes as I knew how visible my lust for him might be.  
I tried to avoid being alone with him. I also avoided the cuddling on the couch, which was so random that no one would’ve ever thought something bad about it.  
But I just couldn’t handle it anymore.   
  
I had asked the manager for more jobs to have an excuse to not be at home. I rushed from one appointment to the other, always a tight schedule. Most of the time I came back when everyone else was asleep, only those few having night-jobs still awake.  
  
It was for the best. I told myself over and over again when I felt the fatigue overwhelming my body. If I stayed home there’d come the one moment when I’d give myself away. I couldn’t allow it.  
  
The way I was now I could stay with my family – even when I didn’t see them that much anymore ( at least not all of them). I just had to endure the urge to see him, to feel him, to kiss him in those hours spent at home, when I couldn’t distract myself with work.  
But it drained my body and I should’ve known this couldn’t continue like this forever… .  
  
“Drink this…”, Kyuhun handed me a glass with tab water. His compressed lips showed how much he worried for his leader, who seemed so weak the last days. I had known I was about to come down with a fever but ignored it, knowing who would stay by my bed, caringly, whenever he’d have some free time.  
  
I felt bad when I noticed how egoistic I’d have been. I made my dongsaengs worry… I was no good leader. What good leader – what “umma” – would make his fellows make such faces?  
They cared so much about me and yet I egoistically followed the path I thought was for the best without even considering their feelings.  
  
I felt my eyes stings and suddenly had the strange feeling of throwing up.  
“Let’s stop practice for today… we’ll be able to perform even without another hour of practice, right?”, Kangin looked around and the other members nodded heavily. “We’ll be able to perform nicely…. But only if you get a proper rest at home.” His dark eyes looked at me strictly and I just nodded, taking another sip of the tab-water to avoid looking him into those gorgeous eyes.  
  
After we had left the SM building and gotten back home everyone gathered in the living room once more to have Hankyungs famous Beijing rice.  
“Something wrong with the flavor?”, the Chinese boy asked with a lifted eyebrow after he had watched me picking on my plate a few times without eating at all. I showed him a small smile and shook my head. “I’m sure it tastes great as always…”, I assured him. “I’m just not hungry. Sorry…”  
  
Again I could feel the worried faces around the table. “You eat so little these days… no wonder you lost consciousness today!”, Eunhyuk knocked his chopsticks on his plate. “Yeah. You’re not going to get better without food!”, Donghae added. I sighed feeling guilty again.  
The others just stared at me in silence.  
  
“Come on… eat at least what’s on your plate and then try to get some sleep. It’ll do good to your fever.” Kangins voice was softer than normal. Guess he was really, really worried this time.  
I sighed and then picked up my chopsticks again and started filling my mouth.  
  
  
  
  


“Ewww!! Teukie’s really in love with a guy? It’s not just show? That’s… That’s disgusting!!”  
… I’m sorry! I’m sorry!! …  
“To think I lived together with him… He might’ve crawled into my bed when I wasn’t watching!”  
I…. I never… !! Please! Please stop!  
“You think I’d fall in love with you? Come on! Wake up! You’re a guy!! And you’re… you’re Eeteuk! That’s so gross!!”  
Please don’t hate me. Please… Kangin!  
“Don’t touch me!”  
Kangin!! Please… I…  
“You’re disgusting. Never come near me again!”  
.. Youngwoon…! please…. Remember..? It’s me! Please…  
“To think I’ve hugged someone like you… it gives me the creeps!”  
…. Why? Why do you leave me behind now? I… I’ll try to not love you. So please… please just stay with me… don’t leave me alone! Youngwoon! Everyone… don’t hate me… please…  
“You’ll no longer be leader of Super Junior, Jungsu. We can’t accept someone like you in SM Entertainment. Please try to understand. We can’t support this image.”  
Manager… ! Please don’t take my family away! Don’t make me leave… please…. I’ll do anything. I’ll lie to the world if you just let me stay… let me stay with Super Junior. With my friends. With….  
“How could we accept you leader when you’re someone like _this_? You think we could just stay the way we are? Hugging a damn fag?”  
Please stop laughing. Stop hating me. Please… !  
Kangin, help me… please! _Save me_ , Youngwoon!  
  
“Don’t look at me. It’s disgusting. _You_ ’re disgusting!”  
  
I woke up, a cry stuck in my throat. My pajama was soaking with sweat.   
It was a dream. Nothing more.   
Just a dream.   
I had to calm down… . It wasn’t real… It wasn’t real. They didn’t know. They didn’t hate me. I was still part of Super Junior.  
I felt hot tears searching their way down my face. It was just a dream. A dream… . But I knew I there might be the chance that I would have to face those situations one day.. if they ever found out about my feelings for Kangin they might really hate me. They might abandon me! I felt my shoulder tremble with fear, silent sobs leaving my sore throat. I couldn’t go on like this… having the same nightmares over and over, lacking sleep because I’m too frightened to fall back into those dreams, to lose myself even more. It made my body and mind sick. I knew it. Yet I didn’t find a better solution… .  
  
As I had calmed down again and wiped away the tears from my red eyes I got up to get some water. I felt dizzy when I was walking through the door, carefully placing one step after another. My body was weak and almost couldn’t take the task at hand. But I had to pull myself together. I would try to sleep again after swallow my fears and worries with some water.  
  
As I reached the kitchen I could hear muffled voices, but I was too tired and too worn out to pay closer attention to them at first. But then one sentence pulled me out of my apathy. “Teukie’s no good leader these days, don’t you think?”  
I held my breath and stopped my feet before I reached the lightened kitchen door. I stood there, behind the door case in the shadows of the night, out of the sights of those sitting around the kitchen table.  
  
“I mean”, I could hear Heechul continue in a low voice. “He’s just making trouble for us. I don’t know what’s up with him…” He took a sip from his drink and put it down on the table again.  
“Don’t say that”, Sungmin sighed. “You’re sure gonna regret having said that later. You know he’s a good leader… he just has his own problems to handle.”  
“But how am I supposed to if he doesn’t talk to us about his worries?”, Heechuls voice trembled as he hit his hand down on the table. “He’s losing so much weight, cause he doesn’t eat right anymore. He’s collapsing because he buries himself with work and doesn’t sleep enough. He…” Hankyung put his hand on Heechuls and shut him up. “We know, Heechul. We’re all worried.”  
  
I felt the tears in my eyes again.   
The voices continued arguing but I didn’t really hear them anymore. It was like the curtain of tears in front of my eyes did not only take my sight but wrapped me in calming deafness.  
Heechul was right. All I did was making trouble for my members. Maybe I really wasn’t a good leader at all.   
  
I was still in thoughts, silently crying, as I noticed a shadow before me. “E…Eeteuk”, I heard Siwons stuttering voice.   
The kitchen grew silent.  
  
I didn’t know what to do, what to say. So I just stood there and stared at appalled Siwon, who stood in the door case.  
“I’m sorry…”, I heard my voice crack after a few seconds of absolute silence. “I’m sorry…..” Tears dwelled again. I felt lost. And I wished Kangin would be there to block their sights away with his broad frame, to pull me in a hug and tell me that I shouldn’t listen to all those screaming thoughts in my head.  
  
“Don’t you dare to cry, dumbass!”, I heard Heechuls voice shriek. “Would you pull yourself together, damn it?” His voice was loud now and full of rage.   
I didn’t have the strength to fight with him and talk back to him. And I felt like I didn’t have the right to… .  
“You’re supposed to be a leader! Supposed to be someone who we can depend on, damn it!”  
My throat was blocked. Heechuls words pierced through my soul and made it hard for me to breath.  
It was when I was forcing myself to look up that I noticed the trembling lips in our Cinderella-boys face. For a second I just stared at him.   
Then I looked around into the worried eyes of my friends.  
“I’m sorry.”, I repeated again and wiped my tears with the back of my trembling hands. I lifted my head again and smiled a little. “I’ll be a better leader again. I promise…”  
  
Heechul nodded, his lips still trembling “You better are, I tell you. If not I’ll kick your ass!”   
Hankyung put his arms around his hyungs shoulders and smiled at me slightly nodding as to say ‘don’t worry. Take your time. Just be yourself again.’.  
  
Siwons tensed shoulders relaxed again and he put his warm hand on my shoulder, assuring me that it was ok and that I just should remember that I could depend on them instead of taking everything in by myself.  
Sungmin just watched me intensely. I could feel his eyes targeting my thoughts as he let out another sigh and walked up to me.  
“I’ll bring him back to bed”, he informed the other guys and took me determinedly by the hand.  
  
I nodded  good night to everyone, still feeling slightly dizzy and followed my dongsaeng through the darkness in the corridor.  
  
As we entered my room and I sat down on my bed Sungmin closed the door behind his back and looked at me seriously.  
“I didn’t want to butt in, really… . But I can’t watch it anymore.”, he sighed and pursed his lips, his eyes looking at me straight.  
  
“We have to talk about you and Kangin-hyung”.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eeteuk is still sick and has to get over Sungmin confronting him, but he has Kangin who takes good care of him.

“We have to talk about you and Kangin-hyung”.  
  
I felt my skin turn cold as I watched Sungmins lips form the words. My ears rang and my mouth dried.  
  
“I think I know why you changed like this… I…”, he wet his lips with his tounge and looked straight at me as if he tried to read the thoughts in my eyes. “..I was there that night you kissed Kangin-hyung. I saw you…”  
  
Cold sweat formed on my forehead when Minnie stopped talking to just stare at me. Without realizing it tears ran over my cheeks and dripped down, forming dark sports on my pajama.   
“I… I’m… I’m sorry…”, I stuttered, my throat hurting. My whole body was numb and trembled vigorously.  
He knew. Sungmin knew. He had seen. He would hate me. I couldn’t be part of Super Junior anymore. My nightmares would come true… !  
“Hyung…”, his soft voice reached my ears. I panicked.   
“Don’t hate me!”,my voice slipped out, desperate, pleading, broken. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please..”  
  
Everything spun around me, made me dizzy. All there was was the sudden heat that filled my body and soon after was replaced by freezing cold. The sweat on my skin. The dark spots on my pajama increasing. All the nightmares melted together, took over my mind, made me going mad.  
“Please don’t hate me. I’ll stop! I won’t do it anymore!”   
‘You’re disgusting. Never come near me again!’  
“I’m sorry so please! Please don’t hate me!”  
‘Disgusting!”  
“ I don’t want to leave! I’ll never do it again… I’ll stop… I swear I’ll stop…”  
  
It felt like I had already left my body. Like it was someone else grabbing his hair, pulling on it, streams of tears running over his face, his knuckles turning white, his head shaking furiously.  
It didn’t feel like it was myself who was rubbing my head that hard. It was like this picture of misery wasn’t me. Only the pleading voice resembled mine so perfectly.  
“I’ll never do it again… never… so don’t hate me… I won’t do it again… I…”  
  
Sungmin saved me from my own madness as he pulled me into a tight hug.   
He too trembled.  
None of us said anything for a couple of minutes. I was shaking, burying my crying face in my dongsaengs shoulder. He slung his arms tighter around my body, his small, warm hands slowly stroking my back.  
  
“… it’s ok if you like him, hyung.”, he whispered gently when I had calmed down a little bit and stopped trembling, tears still lingering in the corner of my eyes.  
 “It’s nothing bad to love someone… even if he’s a guy.”  
I felt like crying again. It were simple words, but they seemed to take so much weight from my shoulders.   
It scattered the vivid pictures of the nightmares that had been chasing me every night for the last couple of weeks.   
Was there maybe a slight chance that even if he knew I could stay as leader of Super Junior? As a part of the family? As a friend?   
  
Sungmin must have felt my body slightly tensing again, because he hugged me a little bit tighter than before. “Just don’t let this love bring you down like this, hyung… . It hurts seeing you like this.”  
I took a deep breath and nodded, my eyes closed. “I just….”, I lifted my head and looked at Sungmin. “I had all those dreams… and… you know what show business is like. If they ever find out they will abandon me…. Right?”   
I almost hoped the black hair would tell me that I’m wrong, that my love would not threaten my happiness or that of my dongsaengs. But he just sighed.  
Well.. that’s just the world we live in. It’s the business we chose to be a part of.   
If I had known what kind of feelings I would grow for Kangin and what kind of hardship it would put me through, I wouldn’t have…  
No.   
Even if I had known. I still would have joined SM. I still would’ve been happy to debut with Suju. I would’ve been happy being the leader, even if it meant taking the blame for any mistake that crossed our way. Even if it meant all this. I still would chose this way.   
Because I felt like only this way was my way.  
  
“Does Kangin know?”, Sungmin asked with a low voice and startled me out of my thoughts. He sat next to me on the bed and took my hand.  
I just shook my head as an answer. My wet bangs fell into my face and stuck to my forhead. “I never told him.”, I said almost in a whisper. “How could I?” A sarcastic smile crossed my face, vanishing right away.  
  
Sungmin gently squeezed my hand and stared at his pink bunny-socks his cheeks showing a pink glow. “Yeah… think I know what you mean…”  
I lifted an eyebrow and glanced at him with questioning eyes as I wasn’t sure about how to take his words. His eyes turned soft, still fixed on his socks, and his lips showed a slightly sad smile.  
“You mean…?”, my voice was almost inaudible and I squeezed back on his warm fingers.   
A few seconds nothing was said, no movement was made.   
I just looked at him. He stared at his socks, the sad smile still lingering.   
Then he nodded almost in slow-motion.  
“I… didn’t know” I really didn’t. I never had thought about any painful secret love behind Sungminnies happy face and bright smile… . He never showed any sign of unhappiness or weakness in front of us. So he really was in love with someone? A guy?  
  
“It’s Hyukjae.”, he started in a calm voice after hesitating for quite some while. “I’ve always liked being with him, having fun… even back when we were teenagers. He’s been my best friend forever since way back…”   
His eyes showed a loving sparkle when he was talking about Eunhyukkie.   
How could I not have noticed uptill now?  
“I think it’s been a almost 3 years now since the time I finally was aware of the true nature of my feelings… . I too was afraid. I panicked. But it’s no good doing so… it’s just making it harder.”  
He really was a strong person after all…   
I felt stupid. I had been so weak these past weeks. And there was my cute, young dongsaeng who was able to put up with the same problem without anyone ever noticing. Without showing such weakness. Without falling apart.  
Minnie always showed an image of a cute, inexperienced and scared boy that had to be protected. But he wasn’t.  
And I felt jealous of his strength.  
  
“I might sound all strong and lordly… but I too was too afraid to tell him.” I watched him sigh and smile again – this time not as sad as when he spoke before - as he looked at me.  
“But we’re friends and he’s next to me and I still can love him. Even if it’s secretly. So it’s not all bad, right?”  
I returned the smile and nodded.  
I was happy I had Sungmin with me just at that moment. I suddenly felt like having found a real ally in my friend. I felt like I could raise some hope again to find happiness.  
“It’s not all bad.”  
After this we kept silent for a long time, just smiling at each other and wiggling our toes.  
  
  
I really called in sick the next day as I came down with a terrible cold and a quite strong fever. Manager wasn’t too happy of course but since I had worked so much the weeks before even when I had looked like a living dead he was willing to let me rest at home. “Just make sure you’re getting better as soon as possible.”  
I felt a little bit sad since we had to do a performance that day but the other members assured me that it was no problem at all and that they would greet the fans for me so I stayed in bed.  
Hankyung even made me a huge plate of his famous Beijing rice and put it on my bed with the words “For our leaders strength.” and one of his gorgeous smiles on his face.  
Ryeowook, Siwon and Hankyung stopped by my room to bring me sweets and told me to get better before they went out for other appointments.  
And of course it was Kangin who saved me from Donghae who tried to convince me that I wasn’t sick but under the control of some weird aliens. At least Fishy couldn’t team up with Eunhyukkie. My ally Sungmin held him busy with a riddle he had told him and the blonde bugged him about telling him the answer since this morning and seemed to not be able to think about anything else.  
  
As Kangin had thrown Donghae and his blabbering mouth out of my room and closed the door he smiled at me. I just loved this smile. Gentle and so full of… him.   
“You didn’t eat and sleep again yesterday, hm?”, he asked with a sigh. “I told you to take care of your health some more!”  
He sat down next to me on the bed and put his hand on mine. Waiting for some kind of an answer he looked down at me a sweet smile on his lips.  
“Yes, yes… got it, master.” I laughed a little bit nervous when the heat from my hand where he touched me spread out and filled my whole body. I wanted to pull away from his hand, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do so. My body just didn’t want to miss this warm, tender hand playing with my slim fingers.  
  
“Don’t you have to leave soon, too?”, I heard myself ask and immediately wanted to hit my own head. Did I want him to leave? I didn’t want to panic again as soon as he’s close to me. For what purpose had I talked to Sungminnie the whole night? Didn’t I want to treasure those sweet moments in secret? I was so damn stupid.  
  
“No… I cancelled my first appointment today.”, he answered plainly.  
“ You cancelled?” My voice sounded angrier than I wanted it to. “Kangin! You know you shouldn’t cancel for no reason… I’ll have to take the blame again!”  
He sulked a second a pout on his face. “I didn’t cancel for no reason…”, he muttered his eyes fixed on his fingers playing with mine. “… I canceled so I can look after you a bit.”  
  
I mustn’t get my hopes up. I mustn’t. In his eyes I’m just his hyung. I mustn’t get my hopes up.  
I told myself over and over again but my body was too fixed on reacting on my dongsaengs sweet care to listen to my mind.  
“…I’m grateful.”, I admitted with a smile. “And happy. But still! You shouldn’t cancel like that…”  
He grinned showing his happiness about my words without any sign of hesitation and nodded. “Promise I won’t do it again!”   
He linked his fingers with mine and squeezed them a bit making my heart skip a beat.  
  
“We’re leaving now, hyung, so you can….”, Sungmins voice stopped for a second when he saw Kangin and me next to each other and a small smile ran over his lips. “You take a good rest, got it?” Eunhyukkie, who followed behind Sungmin – he probably still hadn’t solved the riddle – nodded in agreement. When he saw Kangin on the edge of my bed he lifted an eyebrow. “You’re not coming with us, Kangin-hyung?”  
“Shut up”, the older one roared. “I’m looking after our leader-shi. You guys better get going or you’ll be late.” When the Blonde was just about to say something back to Kangin, Sungminnie had already grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and dragged him along with him waving goodbye over his shoulder.  
We could hear the voices of everyone as they where putting on their shoes and the sound of the front door opening. Then the voices slowly faded and left me and my thumping heart alone with Kangin in the dorm. 

“So…”, Kangin patted on my blanket. “Can I do you something good? Are you warm enough? Or should I bring some more blankets? Or a tea? I can make you tea… or something to eat. And what about…” I stopped his enthusiastic words with a chuckle. “I’m fine, Kangin… really. I just took my medicine and I’m already heated by two blankets.”   
Heechul had forced Hankyung to bring over a second blanket for me so I’d sweat enough to get rid of my fever. Of course Hankyungie hadn’t been allowed to tell it was our Cinderellas idea, but he still had winked at me letting the secret slip.

My dongsaeng just nodded and smiled. “Well… then you really should try to sleep some more. Should I sing you something?” Without waiting for my answer he started one of BoAs songs, his soft voice giving me goose bumps. I loved his voice the best. It was gentle and soft and always full of feelings. And I loved his face even more when he was singing – not for the camera but just like now, when we were all by ourselves. His eyes were half closed watching his fingers and his lips moved slowly a small smile showing now and then. I really wanted to just kiss him right then right there… even if it meant stopping his wonderful voice. But I didn’t. Thanks god. Instead I slowly drifted into sleep accompanied by his songs and the movement of his fingers on my skin.  
  
At that moment I really understood Sungminnies words from the time he was still holding my hand, sitting next to me on my bed watching his socks. It really wasn’t all bad to be in love with your best friend and not able to tell him. It wasn’t all bad because you could be so close to him, because you could love him from the bottom of your heart even if it had to be a secret forever. It wasn’t all bad because there were moments like that one I was experiencing right now.  
  


I felt extremely warm and my body felt so heavy. I coughed a bit and moved my eyes under my eye lids cuddling some more into the warm fabric next to me. I opened my eyes as I noticed that something was different than normal. The fabric on my fingers felt different.  
My breath stopped when I saw Kangins face the first thing after my eyes had opened. He was lying there right next to me sleeping.   
Maybe it was the fever making me hallucinate? Maybe I wasn’t really awake but all of this just a dream? His slow but steady breath against my face, his heavy arm slung around my torso, his whole peaceful appearance.  
I didn’t care whether it was the fever or a dream or whatever. As long as I could hug him some more and fall asleep in his strong arms next to his warm body again, I just didn’t care at all… .  
  
When I woke up later I found myself alone in my bed. So it really had been a dream after all. Still I couldn’t help but smile all over, hugging my pillow closing my eyes some more. As I had decided that I had slept enough and wanted to get out of my bed I found a cup of tea and some soup next to my bed with a small note saying “I left for work, didn’t want to wake you up. Eat my superspecial soup and get healthy!  Kangin”  
I chuckled. He was just too sweet. A super special soup?! I bet there wasn’t any special ingredient used or anything… I bet it was just a normal soup… maybe even instant… still, the way my chest warmed and my mood was lifted when I tasted it, it might really have been a superspecial soup. Made by Kangin himself. Just for me.  
  
I stayed in bed watching TV the rest of the day and was just on my way back to my bed a new cup of steaming tea in my hand when the other members returned home from their performance that day. All of the Super Junior members had come over to look how I was and tell me about the event, how our performance was and how sweet the fans had been.  
I felt like all my strength returned to me when I looked around in their happy faces that filled my bed room and listened to their energetic talks. How could I have felt so alone and lost those last weeks? How could I have been so miserable when I had my Super Junior dongsaengs around me like a family, caring, chatting, laughing.  
I smiled.   
  
“Well.. we’ll be going now. You should sleep soon so you’re back to work as soon as possible.” Kangin sat on my bed again and smiled at me. The others had already said goodbye and I could hear them chatting on the front door.  
“I’ll come over again tomorrow.”  
“And make me another one of this superspecial soup”, I grinned and put my hand on his arm. He slipped a laugh and nodded, his hand now patting mine.  
“See ya tomorrow then.” After ruffling my hair he stood up, smiling at me once more and then left the room.  
  
“He sure takes good care of you, doesn’t he.”  
Sungmin had come over to my room again to check on me before he went to sleep. The other members living in the dorm were already in their rooms preparing to get some sleep after the exciting and exhausting day.  
I nodded smiling. “Yeah… he’s a good dongsaeng and an even better friend.”  
The black hair looked at me for a while with an expression I couldn’t read. I just looked back at him until he opened his mouth again. “You ever thought about that maybe your chances aren’t all that bad?”  
  
I felt my forehead showing wrinkles as I stared at my dongsaeng wetting his lips with his tongue. “What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“You know…”, he began in a low voice his eyes showing a mysterious sparkle. “I had forgotten something when we had left today so I returned to the dorm before getting my make-up done for our gig. I thought Kangin-hyung had left already and wanted to check on you. But when I opened the door to your room he was still there.”  
I didn’t know what Kangin still being in my room had to do with having chances or not but I decided to listen to him continuing.  
  
“You know he wasn’t sitting on the edge of your bed anymore, like when we left.” Now his eyes lit up and his smile became foxy. “He was lying next to you staring at you while you slept!”  
Sungmins words rang in my ears. If what he said was true maybe it hadn’t been a dream or hallucination that afternoon. Maybe he really had slept next to me. Maybe… .  
“…but…but he…”, I couldn’t help but stutter. Maybe my chances really weren’t all that bad?   
But didn’t he say he would never be as desperate as to chase after me? Didn’t that mean there was no chance?  
Maybe it was just normal for best friends like us to be so naturally close that we’d even cuddle in bed together. That had to be it.  
  
As if to convince myself to not raise any despairing hope I nodded and looked into Sungmins eyes.  
“You don’t think we’re just really good friends and that’s why?”  
“I’m not sure… I mean.. sure Kangin-hyung likes skinship somehow. But the way he looked at you….” He paused and twisted his head chewing on his lip for a while. “… I don’t want you to have false hope but… that scene didn’t look like it was all just friendship…”  
  
Sungmin was a sharp person. He might look like a dense, playful small boy that had to be protected. But he wasn’t. He was sharp and his foxy eyes often detected more than any of the other Super Junior members were able to spot.  
But could I really trust his intuition? Or would it just bring me more pain and maybe even make me lose my beloved person and along with it my best friend and all the happiness I had right now?  
  
 _You really think I’d be that desperate to go after Eeteuk?!_

I really didn’t know what to think anymore… .


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kangin seems to not like Sungmin and Eeteuk hanging around each other... and the situation escalades...

It had been over a week since I had recovered from my fever and went back to work. I still had a tight schedule but I could put up with it a lot better now that I had someone I could talk to about the nightmares that still crawled into my sleep sometimes. Sungmin and me spent a lot of evenings sitting on my bed talking.  
  
“You know…the two of you are awfully close these days.”, Eunhyuk stated one day when all of us were taking a break backstage.  
Sungmin and me sat in a corner eating our lunch boxes and we watched the others, talking and laughing.  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”, Sungmin sighed, one of his eyebrows lifted. “We’re not allowed to get along?”  
Eunhyuk seemed at a loss of words for a second so Donghae interrupted with a loud voice. “Of course you are… but until recently you weren’t all cuddly and stuff!”  
I glanced at Sungmin, unsure how to react on those words.   
It was true: We always had been good friends and we had gotten along ever since we met each other but of course since we shared a secret now we spent more time together. Sometimes we’d cook dinner together, without anyone else, so we could have a good talk about Kangins and Eunhyuks recent behavior or we were watching TV together sitting next to each other on the couch sharing a blanket and a bowl of popcorn. And of course there were the nights I was shaken by my nightmares and Sungmin would come over and sleep next to me to take my fears at least for a few hours by holding my hand tightly.  
  
“We got to know each other better these days and hence got to be good friends. Nothing wrong with that, right?”, the black hair stated without showing any change in facial expression. As he saw Donghaes questioning eyes and Eunhyukkie pouting  he smiled a bit, got on his feed and went up to his beloved to tip against his forehead. “You know you’re my number one best friend. So stop making that face!”  
Easy as he was Hyukkie showed his white teeth in a big smile and nodded.  
  
Those two were so sweet, I thought while watching Sungmin carefully taking the two boys away from me. And I was grateful he did as he must have noticed how nervous their talk made me.  
  
Having watched the scene and overheard the talk Kangin came over and sat down next to me on the floor. His body so close next to mine still made my heartbeat increase and all my senses concentrate on his every movement.  
“Yo”, he muttered and stole some of my food that quickly disappeared between his lips.  
“Yo”, I replied showing my dimples.  
  
“Is it true that Sungmin stays over in your room these days?”, he asked a bit hesitatingly. I almost choked on the food I was chewing on. I almost felt like he caught me red-handed cheating on him… even though I knew it was nothing of that sort between Minnie and me.  
Why would he want to know that?  
  
“Y…yeah. Sometimes he sleeps over…”, I replied with a slight tremble in my voice as my eyes tried to spot something in his eyes that might give away his thoughts.  
“Oh….”, was the simple I answer I got. Then silence fell down on us.  
I suddenly wasn’t very hungry anymore so I just picked on my food a bit.  
“I… I heard you do a new show?”, it was a rather unlucky attempt to change topics, but I just couldn’t stand that silent Kangin to my right side anymore.  
  
“You don’t hold any secrets from me, right?”  
I felt my chest tighten on my dongsaengs words. Did he maybe overhear us? Did he know something?  
I could hear my ears ring and felt like my heartbeat was turning my head into mush.  
“Wh… why do you think so?”  
My voice was clearly trembling now, giving away the fact that he was right about me keeping a secret.  
His eyes turned kinda dark and I could see him clench his teeth. “We’re friends right…. You can talk to me if there’s something bothering you.”  
After this answer he got up and left me alone and confused on the floor.  
  


The following days I had the feeling like Kangin was withdrawing himself from me. It seemed like was watching Sungmin and me, always watching from a secure distance.  
I didn’t know how to take this behavior and Sungminnie just raised this burning hope in my chest again with his assumptions.  
Sometimes Kangin would come up to me, looking at me with those eyes I couldn’t read and ask me if I could tell him what I’d tell Sungmin. Whenever I found an excuse or tried to distract him with one of my jokes I knew they weren’t funny he’d just walk away and make me feel miserable and lost again.  
  
I wished I could tell him, but what did he expect. He wouldn’t want me to come up to him going like “I know you’re into girls and I know you see me as a very good friend but I’m really in love with you and want to kiss you and do H stuff with you”, right? How could I possibly tell him – _my best friend!_ – that I’d fallen head over heels for him.  
But I really started to feel that this secret took him from me.  
He barely took my hands now, he didn’t hug me just like that anymore, his smile felt like it wasn’t for me anymore but really all just for the fans.   
I was afraid that he knew, cold sweat breaking whenever the thought crossed my mind. Maybe he distanced himself because he knew how I felt. Maybe it wasn’t me keeping the secret but the true nature of the secret itself.  
The nightmares returned. And even Sungmins warm hand on mine couldn’t stop them from making my smile more and more fake each day… .  
  
  
It was a few weeks later when we were getting ready for our live performance on an award show when my world came to an end.  
  
Once again all of the members had slept over at our dorm so it would be easier for the staff  to pick us up  and of course it was more fun for us.  
Kangin didn’t sit down next to me the whole evening nor did he sling his arm around my shoulder nor did he hug me like he always did nor did he joke around, throwing me over his shoulder to tickle me nor… The distance between his body and mine turned in a cold barrier I felt too weak to break through.  
Sungmin had felt the pressure on my heart and stayed next to me the whole night, concealing the tears lingering in the corner of my eyes when I finally fell asleep.  
  
When the red morning sun rose the next morning the company’s car already had stopped in front of the building. Everyone was busy putting on his clothes and brushing his teeth. With 13 people it was quite a task for me as a leader to get some order into the morning so everyone would have enough time in the bathroom and had at least some bites for breakfast.   
Only at those times I felt like I really had some hidden leader-qualities, because 20 minutes after the manager had rang the doorbell all the members were ready to leave and putting on their shoes in the entrance.  
  
I got in the back of the car at first, like I did most of the time. And normally it was Kangin getting into the car as the second one, placing himself next to me making myself dreamy again with his sleepy smile. Often I’d fall asleep on his strong shoulder, feeling his fingers tingling my hair and waking up to his low voice whispering “wake up, teukie~”.  
Normally it was Kangin who made sure I had enough space to make myself comfortable in the hard seats of the car. Normally. But not that day.  
  
He was right behind me as I climbed to the back of the car sitting down next to the window. As our eyes met he stared at me for a second then turned away pretending to retie his shoes as he ordered the others to get into the car quickly.  
He ended up on the front of the car – the farthest place from my position.  
I pressed my lips onto each other and had to hold back the tears stinging in my eyes and making my nose itch. Sungmin silently linked his fingers with mine, whispering silent words of encouragement, giving me strength to be able to smile again later.  
  
Heechul had turned his red haired head around and lifted an eyebrow when he saw our hands linked. But he didn’t say a word, which was quite abnormal. But maybe it had been Sungmins glare that made him hold back with his cheekiness.  
  
I watched the word outside the window fly by us and didn’t utter a word the whole ride. It was loud enough with Donghae and the others singing that annoying Gollum-song all the time, hopping around in their seats way too hyper for the early hour of day, spilling their drinks from the plastic cups in their hands.  
  
When we arrived at the hall where the award ceremony was held I followed behind the others and sat down in front of the glaring lights that framed the mirrors backstage to get my make up and hair done.  
The make up artist sighed at me and complained about the dark circles under my eyes, but with the right make up and a little time I looked all fresh and awake.  
  
I stood up and watched the others getting ready. My eyes spied Kangin who looked like he had a hard time getting into his shirt and suit. I hesitated a few seconds then took a deep breath and slowly walked over to him.  
“Come here, I’ll help you”, I offered with a small smile. He looked at me kinda expressionless.  
I mustn’t let myself be brought down by those eyes again, I told myself and swallowed the bad thoughts that menaced my thoughts.  
“…here.” I smoothed his crinkled shirt a little bit with my hands. He immediately pulled away and glared at me before turning his back on me.  
It hurt. It hurt so much that he acted that way towards me. I wished he would turn around and pull me in a tight hug, laughing in his loud voice and tell me that he was just joking while patting my head. I wished he would show me his big smile laughing about my serious face telling me how stupid I look. I wished he would just act the way he always did. I wished he wouldn’t ignore me this way… .  
  
Just as I felt like I’d go mad on my mind swirling with memories and wishes, I could feel warm hands on my cheeks. My heart skipped a beat when I thought it might be my most beloved dangsaeng who really just had played a prank on me again.   
But those hands were too small and the eyes who looked at me with a sad glow in them were too foxy to be his.  
  
“Let him be. He’s an asshole today…”, Sungmin said in a loud voice in Kangins direction and took my hand pulling me away from the painful situation.  
Once more I glanced in Kangins direction only able to spot his strong back, his broad shoulders and his big hands fumble on the sleeves of his shirt.  
It hurt that he didn’t seem to care, that he still kept ignoring me like this… so I gave in to the boy who announced in a loud voice: “We’ll be back before we have to be on stage.” and allowed him to drag me along.  
  
Suddenly I heard stomping footsteps behind me and my shoulder hurt as I was pulled back hard by a familiar hand – only the grab was painful instead of its normal gentleness.  
“Fuck you!”, Kangin growled and gave Sungmin a hateful glare while he pushed him hard. The smaller boy groaned with pain and almost fell as he let go of my hand.  
Within seconds the whole backstage area seemed to fall into silence. When Kangin snapped everyone knew that it wouldn’t do good to get into his way cause then he had this bloodthirsty look in his eyes and you never knew what he’ll do in all his madness.  
  
Eunhyuk ran up to Sungmin and positioned himself between him and the angry bear. But he was too afraid to speak up to his hyung so he just decided to glare at him with all he got.  
Hankyung looked around carefully making a step in Kangins direction. Just as he was about to break the silence with an attempt to calm the other one down Kangin bristled with anger and strode away, pulling me along, my wrist in his tight and painful grip.  
  
I didn’t dare to speak to him in his state of anger until he came to stop in a room somewhere far in the back of the building. It was small and full of spotlights, huge cable roles and amplifiers that piled up in front of the dim walls.  
I panted for air since Kangin had been walking way too fast for me to be able to match my breathing with the stumbling movements of my feet. His hand still grabbed hard at my wrist so that I almost lost the feelings in my fingers.  
“K…Kangin…”, I huffed. My voice was cracking and my eyes were stinging. The whole situation was just too much for me.   
Why did he snap like that after ignoring me for days? Was it Sungmin insulting him? Was it myself? I didn’t understand. And the pain kept increasing.  
“Kangin…. You’re hurting me”, I uttered, my eyes and chest stinging.  
  
He let go of my wrist without turning around. I could tell his anger from the way his broad chest moved under his heavy breathing. “Kangin…”, my voice faded under the first tears I didn’t want myself to shed.  
  
“You don’t trust me anymore?”  
His voice was trembling and his muscles tensed. He didn’t look at me, still only showing me his back and his hands clenched next to his waist.   
I didn’t understand… why would he ask me such a question? Of course I trusted him. That wasn’t the point… .  
“W…what?”  
“I asked whether you trust me or not!”, he barked, now turning around scowling.  
I twitched, scared by the anger in his voice and took a step back.  
“Of course I trust you… you should know I trust you more than anyone.”   
I felt shivers down my spine and almost didn’t dare to take in air. I never had seen my dongsaeng this angry. Even when he was drunk and got into a fist fight with some random youngsters he never had made this face… it was full of anger, fury, disappointment and somewhere between all that he seemed to be hurt and lost.  
  
He closed his eyes and sucked in air then opened them again and stared straight at me. “Then why don’t you talk to me but go to that stupid bastard?”   
I knew he was just in rage, he wouldn’t insult Sungmin normally cause he was like a little brother to him and he often told me how cute the little fox is. But even his anger was no excuse to get mean.  
  
“Don’t insult him. He’s done no wrong…”, I knew it served no good to object him in his state of mind but the words just slipped out of my mouth. And he lost himself in another burst of anger and kicked hard against a cable roll to his right that slid across the floor until it hit the wall leaving a dark scratch.  
  
“You take his side now?!”, he grabbed both of my shoulders  with his strong hands and gave me a hard shaking. “What’s so good about him? Why can you talk to _him_ but not to _me_ , huh?!”  
My whole body was aching and I could see small lights sparkle in front of my eyes.   
“You hurt me!!”, I heard myself scream as my hands pushed against his chest trying to distance myself from him. But his grip turned even tighter.  
  
“You two are all over each other these days… it gives me the creeps!”, his voice was roaring and rang in my eyes as tears started tripping from my eyelashes.  
“What are you? _GAY_?!”  
My heart stopped. I could hear his voice still rambling, roaring, I felt him shaking my body, but I felt like I had turned numb.   
Tears kept ruining my make up.   
My hairdo went to waste.   
The staff would go mad if they’d see me later on… . But I didn’t care.   
I didn’t care anymore.  
To me everything was over anyway. There was only the tears and the numbness and Kangins angry words… .  
But suddenly I was startled out of all those by my own voice screaming from my lungs. “What’s it to you?! You ignored me for _days_! How dare you pretend to care now!!”  
  
Kangin seemed to be shocked like myself since he suddenly silenced.  
“You think I can talk to you about just _anything_?!”, I heard my voice shriek.   
This is when Kangin raised his voice again. “Yeah I _do_ think so! Why can’t you talk to me, huh? We’re supposed to be friends so why can’t you talk to _me_??”  
  
“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!”, I screamed my lungs burning and my vision blurred. “Because I fucking love you with all I got. Because I want to feel you, to kiss you, to… “  
My voice lost all its strength and got almost inaudible. “… because I love you.”  
The last words got lost in my sobbing.  
  
Kangin didn’t say anything.   
He didn’t move.  
 He even stopped breathing for a few seconds just staring at me.   
Even through all the tears I could discover the shock written all over his face. His mouth stood open and his body slightly trembled. I could see the confusion, the pain, the letdown in his eyes.  
  
“I…”, I was more whispering than speaking, new tears running down my cheeks concentrating in the corner of my mouth. “ … I’m sorry….”  
Still silence.  
“Youngwoon…”, I held my hand towards him, trying to reach him, trying to restrain him. But he dodged, slapping my hand away.  
  
Without another word he rushed out of the room leaving me staring at his departing back, my hand still extended with nothing to hold onto.   
I felt my knees giving in as I sank to the floor.   
I had told him. And I had been rejected. It’s as simple as this.   
Things like this happened every day. _It’s nothing special._  
Still it hurt more than anything else I had experienced in my life.  
  
I felt my fingers sifting through my trouser pockets excerpting my cell phone. I let my fingers slide over the metallic surface until I could feel the touch of the glossy picture sticker that was attached on the back side.  
I wiped my tears and took a close look at the already worn and fading smiles of Kangin and myself. It was a picture we had taken over 2 years ago. The two of us smiling brightly into the camera, arms slung around each other’s shoulders. Both of us making the V-sign.  
  
I had lost that smile.   
Forever.  
My fingers ran over the sticker, my thumb softly stroking along Youngwoons face.  
I closed my eyes and felt my chin trembling.  
I had ruined it all. I had lost the one person that kept my whole life in order. My love. My best friend.  
  
The tears started falling again and I tucked up my legs and slung my arms around them.   
Only that moment.   
I’d allow myself to cry only now. Only here in the dim light of the stuffed room far away from all the others.   
  
In less than 20 minutes I’d have my make up and hairdo redone and go out on stage the fake smile I had grown so accustomed to perfectly placed on my face. And I’d smile at him.  
  
And when the spotlights turn dark and all of us would return to the dorm I’d tell him good night knowing I’d never again feel the warmth of his body close to mine.  
But I would stay strong. And I would smile.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kangin had left Eeteuk behind after the leader had confessed to him and avoided him the following days completely. Then suddenly he stands in front of the door of the dorm ringing the door bell like a madman...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter has some more explicit content than the rest of the story had, so if you should not be up for some heating up between the two, you should skip over a few paragraphs and start reading again at the paragraph that starts out "But as the sun had risen the next day I woke up and...". Also I don't think it is necessary to put up a dub-con warning but just in case: There's some drunken smexiness in here, but I consider it very consensual and the alcohol only a tool to go that last step that people weren't able to do before. If you however should be sensitive when it comes to drunken smex, please consider yourself warned and skip over the respective part (see above).  
> Thank you and please enjoy :)

It had been three days since I had told Kangin my feelings. Three days since I had seen the hurt and the disappointment in his eyes. Three days since he had turned his back on me and left me all alone and crushed in the cramped room.  
It had been three long and painful days.  
  
  
After I had left the small room backstage, my tears wiped away and my make up poorly fixed, Sungmin came running up to me as he spotted me in one of the hallways.  
His eyes were worried as he took my hand and looked at me directly. “Teukie-hyung…”, his voice was thin. “…something happened, right?”  
He must have been extremely worried as he had seen Kangin returning without me, strangely calm and silent and a weird and closed up expression on his face.  
  
I just nodded my throat sore and unable to host any words. The younger boy gently slung his arms around me, putting one of his small hands on my hair giving it a slight stroke. He didn’t speak. Maybe he too had no words for what had happened. Or he knew that there were just no words able to giving me comfort right now. Or he just felt that there were too many feelings lingering in the air like bubbles that would explode by the smallest whisper.  
He just hugged me. Gently. Warm. Comforting.  
  
As I pulled away from him he let out a small sigh as he spotted the smile on my lips.  
“I’m fine, Sungminnie… really. I got my answer now. I’ll be fine.”  
He tried to say something, wanted to at least try to find the right words, but silenced when I gave his hand a small squeeze.  
“Let’s go redo my styling and do a nice performance, yeah?” My voice was still hoarse and weak, but I felt like I just had to put myself together. I had to be strong. I was Super Juniors leader. And since I wanted to stay in my position as such I couldn’t allow myself to fall into weakness again. I’d be strong… .  
  
Sungmin nodded slowly giving me a small slightly sad smile. “We’ll show them what we’re made of.”  
His words made me smile. It was like he had read my thoughts all this while. He really was just way too sharp.  
  
The make up artist let out a small scream when he saw her hard work ruined. But she immediately pushed me to the chair and fixed my appearance again. Only a few minutes later I stood on stage, together with everyone else, smiling, singing, pleasuring the fans. I put all my strength in the performance, in my smile. I couldn’t allow myself to let my mood ruin the hard work of the whole group or the happiness of my fans. Even when Kangin danced next to me, a smile on his face that maybe only for me seemed too sparkling, too weird, too fake, I tried my best.  
  
Kangin messed up his performance a few times getting sharp looks from Heechul and Enhyuk. The others stayed silent about the awkward atmosphere that lingered the whole evening. Normally we’d hang out the night together, chatting, drinking, having fun. But this night everyone just didn’t get into the mood and so the members returned to their own dorms and rooms.  
Kangin being the only one going off without saying good bye. He didn’t even look me in the eye.  
  
Normally we would have had to participate in a game show the next day, Kangin and I, but when I arrived at the studio it was Yesung that waved his hand at me sitting in front of the make up artist in the small backstage room. I nodded, letting the sadness showing my smile only for a second. “How come you are here?”, I asked him taking off my coat.  
  
“You should have seen Kangin-hyung this morning…”, an angry chuckle left his lips. “He looked like he didn’t sleep all night and I was stupid enough to ask him if something’s wrong.” Yesung shook his head and blew his cheeks. “He grabbed my collar, pulled me close and glared at me telling me to go to the show in his place since I don’t have a schedule today. I thought he’d break my neck if I’d dare to disagree…”  
His dark eyes looked at me and got a weird glow in them as he continued. “You should talk to him. You’re a hyung after all so he has to listen, right? He skipped his schedule two times already those last weeks… And as a leader you should spank him for treating his precious dongsaeng like this!”  
  
I couldn’t help but laugh at his serious face. Yesung clearly feared Kangins strong arms so he’d never put up an open fight with his hyung. And of course he didn’t know that I had no control what so ever over Kangin. If I ever had this control I lost it the moment Kangin had left me behind.  
“I’ll talk to him… you better try to concentrate on the show.” I told him showing him my dimple smile that made him brighten up in an instant.  
  
The next day too Kangin didn’t show his face in front of me. He didn’t show up to dance practice telling the manager he didn’t feel that well and had to stay in bed. But I knew it was a lie when I saw his dorm-mates roll their eyes as the manager announced that we’d have to practice with just 12 people.  
  
It had been three long days since I had told Kangin.  
I had smiled every day masking the sleepless nights full of tears perfectly. I had gone to work and cheered on the other members. I had been walking with my head held high even though I could see Kangins retreating back burned into my mind whenever I closed my eyes.   
I had to be strong. I just had to.  
  
In the evening I sat in the living room with my dorm mates, Eunhyukkie and Sungminnie cuddling next to me on the couch while the others had made themselves comfortable  on the floor. We were dinking soju from paper cups and eating pizza we had ordered since everyone was too lazy to get up and put something together in the kitchen.  
I was the only one who still nipped on his first cup of alcohol while the others were already on their way to get drunk.  
  
It was almost midnight when the doorbell started ringing in a storm waking Yesung and Kibum – they had come over to hang out - who were already about to fall asleep next to each other on the floor. Heechul quickly rose from his place next to Hankyung and rushed to the door screaming all kind of insults.   
Nervously we anticipated who would come over at this kind of hour, waking everyone asleep with the constantly repeating usage of our door bell.  
The door clicked open and we could hear Heechul suddenly falling silent. Then there were stomping footsteps and a huffing Kangin stood in the door frame his eyes glancing at us with a dark feel to them.  
  
“W… what are you doing here?”, Heechul appeared behind him his face showing a slight amount of fear. Kangin must have looked more than just scary to bring forth that expression on our red heads face.  
  
Kangin didn’t answer instead he stomped up to me, grabbed my wrist and pulled me from the couch. I shrieked a little as I felt my heart skip a beat due to Kangins touch. It had been three full days since I had seen him, since I had touched him. And my whole body seemed to be on fire now that my skin was finally reunited with that of my beloved dongsaeng.  
  
I could hear the murmur of the others, could see the confusion in their eyes when Kangin pulled me along with him out of our dorm, out of the building, over the cold streets through the night.  
I wore only my house slippers and my light sleeping cloths, but even wearing only this in the fresh air couldn’t help my body from burning up.  
Too surprised, too shocked and maybe even too happy to finally see him again I didn’t utter a word or tried to stop him but just followed him with hurried steps. I didn’t even stop when I lost one of my slippers.  
I just followed his back, letting myself be pulled along by him.  
  
He stopped abruptly in front of a convenience store where he let go of my hand for the first time. “You wait here.”, he ordered grinding his teeth while looking at me. He then stepped into the store but suddenly stopped again, turning around once more. “Don’t you dare go away!” I nodded slightly, not knowing what was going on in his head, and he rushed through the store.  
  
About 5 minutes later he stood in front of me again a plastic bag full of alcohol and snacks in his hand. He stared at me for a second then took me by the hand again and set off without a word again.  
  
My feet hurt as I entered one of the small room of the motel Kangin had brought me to. Unsure about what to do or how to react I paused at the entrance.  
Why had Kangin brought me here? It had been three days. Three days! And he hadn’t shown himself…. And then suddenly he made such a fuss in the middle of the night and just kidnapped me.  
I really didn’t know what was going on…  
  
Kangin sat down on the soft bed that filled up almost the whole room and looked at me. As I didn’t react to his stare he put down the plastic bag on the ground to his feet. “What’s up? What are you waiting for?”, he asked in a hoarse voice.  
  
“I…”, I curled up my toes looking everywhere but in his eyes. “….I lost my slipper.”  
I knew this was nothing like a real answer to his question but I just didn’t know what this was about. So of course I didn’t know how to react.  
  
For a few seconds the room was silent. Then Kangin pushed himself from the bed and came up to me. After having led me to the bed and pushed to take a seat on the soft blankets he knelt down before me and took a look at my bear foot.   
“You were walking so fast… I had a hard time catching up…”, I explained muttering.  
  
I waited for some kind of reaction from his side, staring down at his fluffy hair.  
“Did you know? You got perfect toes…”, I heard him mumbling and felt my chest tighten on his words.  
Don’t say something like this. Don’t leave me behind and then start throwing stupid compliments on me. Don’t reject me and then run your fingers over my feet like this. Don’t make me feel so warm. Please… I’ll lose myself again. I’ll fall in love even deeper… .  
  
Just as my thoughts were running wild again Kangin stood up and got a blanket from the small closet next to the door which he wrapped around my legs so my feet would warm up again.  
Then he sat next to me.   
I could feel my heart beat up to my throat. Every inch of my body focused on Kangins body next to mine. It had been three days… . But it felt like an eternity since I last had felt his body heat... .   
  
“Ne… Kangin”, I started with a low voice. “…what’s this all about?” I tried to keep calm, but I could feel my fingers trembling on my lap.  
Silence.  
Then he made an abrupt movement and forced a can of beer into my hands.  
“Drink!”  
His eyes showed a weird determination so I didn’t dare to disobey but opened the can with shaking fingers and took a sip.  
Kangin too opened a can of beer and downed the whole can in one big gulp, then quickly opened another can.  
  
When he saw that I hadn’t finished my can yet he looked at me sharply. “Drink!!”  
Almost frightened by his groaling voice I took another big gulp of my beer and almost choked on it.  
I could feel Kangin stare at my profile. It made me so nervous I had a hard time swallowing the cold liquid.  
  
When I glanced at him from the edge of my eyes I had the feeling like he was holding his breath for a second. Then he finished his second can.  
  
Without talking to each other we sat for about an hour. Drinking.  
When he finished 5 cans of beer and half a bottle of soju he stared at me once more, watching me emptying my 4th can of beer with a kind of forced expression.  
  
“Ee-…”, he started and I could hear his tongue already being heavy. “..Jungsu.”  
Besides sounding pretty drunk already his voice was fierce and made me twitch.  
My eyebrows both lifted I turned my head to face him. “Youngwoon?”, I asked with a slightly trembling voice. I felt hot calling him by his real name again.  
  
“Ne, Jungsu...”, he started again coming closer his eyes fixed on mine.  
“You’re Super Juniors umma right? That’s what people name you, right?”  
I didn’t know where he was headed with those kind of questions and in addition to that my mind already was too numb from the alcohol to think about it too deep so I just nodded.  
  
“And… and they say I’m super juniors appa, right?”  
His breathing got heavier and I felt like his approaching eyes sucked me in completely.  
“So it’s only normal that we’re more than close, right? It’s perfectly normal…”  
  
He took me by surprise as he suddenly pushed his lips on mine, my eyes widening and my breath stopping, making me so dizzy I almost fainted.  
I nearly returned the kiss when some part of my still functioning brain advised me of the stinging smell of alcohol that came from my beloved.  
  
I pushed him so hard he almost fell from the edge of the bed. “You’re drunk!” I could feel my eyes wetting with tears as I spoke to him with a weak voice. “Don’t toy with me just cause you feel like it… If you think I like it you’re wrong… I totally…”  
My words were sucked in by his warm lips locking with mine once again. This time with more force. His hand placed in my neck he left me no escapism…  
My chin trembled when I tried to get away from him.   
  
It wasn’t like I didn’t like the touch of his lips. Quite the contrary… his lips were much softer than I had remembered it from the night I stole that kiss from his sleeping face. His tongue slowly slipping through my slightly opened lips was so hot, so skillfully exploring the inside of my mouth… .  
I totally lost myself in the feel of his lips, his tongue, his hand in my neck, stroking my hair, his eyelashes dancing tremblingly in front of my skin, sending shivers down my spine. I felt myself being pushed on my back sinking in the soft blankets  
His body weighted heavy on mine and I could feel his heartbeat right next to my own. I felt his tongue nudging mine, gently playing with it and all the strength just left my body. I closed my eyes feeling nothing but Kangins warm breath, his lips, his tongue, his hands, his heartbeat, … .  
  
When he pulled away from me I managed to open my eyes again staring at his moist lips. It was then when I eventually remembered the pain of the past days, the tears I shed when he rejected me silently, leaving me behind, the tears that still lingered in the corner of my eyes….  
  
“You’re an asshole… do you have any idea what I’ve been through because of you? Are you even taking my feelings serious? I’m not a toy!”  
My voice trembled. But I couldn’t tell if it was because I was angry at him or because of the tears that started dwelling again. Or if it was the taste of his lips still lingering on mine… .  
  
He didn’t say anything, but just stared at me. His expression startled me for a second. He looked almost shocked, his eyes widened, staring down on me, and his mouth still open.  
“…Say something!!!”, I requested uncertainly.  
For a short while he stayed silent, only breathing heavily. Then he gulped.  
“Fuck…”, he stared down. “I think I’m hard.”  
  
After a second of speechlessness I stared down between his legs to find a bulge in his jeans. My eyes wide open I looked up to him again. I just couldn’t believe it. There he was. On top of me. Staring at me. And he was hard.   
“..w…what?”, I stuttered still trying to read something in his eyes beyond the shock.   
“I’m hard…”, he repeated, then stared at me for a while, then bent down again to give me another kiss.  
  
I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care that he might only get hard while kissing me because he’s drunk like hell. I didn’t care that he had neither apologized nor told me his intentions for dragging me out in my pajamas. I didn’t care what the reason was. I just wanted him to kiss me more.  
Maybe I was humiliating myself by giving in to this drunkard that didn’t know better anymore… Maybe I debased myself. But right now, right here there was only one thing that counted and that was being in his arms, feeling his lips kissing their way down my jawbone to my neck.  
Nothing else mattered anymore.  
  
I felt one of his big hands sliding under my shirt, his fingers kindly stroking my skin, barely even touching it, making me shiver with excitement. “Youngwoon…”, I whispered while I ran my fingers through his hair. I loved the soft touch of his silky hair, the smell of his shampoo… I just loved him. So much. And just in this instant I thought that maybe I didn’t even care if he loved me. If he’d just never stop… .  
  
I slipped a moan when his fingers reached my right nipple, playing with it.   
I planted a kiss in his hair while he still kissed my neck, sucking on it here and there leaving slightly red marks. “I love you… I love you…” I heard myself whisper again and again between the heavy breathing and the small kisses. My arms slung around him I brought him even closer than he already was, his waist now touching mine. I too showed a clearly visible bulge by now growing bigger as I rubbed against him in slow circles. I heard him groaning in pleasure, his hot breath against my skin.  
  
I ran my hands down on his back and played with his belt while Kangin lifted his head again to kiss me passionately. The way his hand still ran over my chest clearly told his experience with women and for a second I felt heartbroken again but I decided to ban the thought from my mind and instead enjoy to moment as it was.  
  
When I slightly bit his lower lip I could feel his eyes on me, inspecting every inch of my face. Eyes full of heat, of lust and a bright glow I just couldn’t fully explain.  
“Jungsu…”, he moaned against my lips as I had moved my fingers to his front and opened his belt. I stopped, thinking maybe he came back to his senses, awoke from the alcohol and wanted me to stop… but when I felt him pushing his waist in direction of my trembling fingers I smiled and kissed him again. Placing one hand on his cheek I looked him into his clouded eyes. “I love you, Youngwoon… I love you…” Listening to myself I felt stupid for repeating it over and over, but my mouth just didn’t stop. It was the truth after all. And I had restrained myself for so long from saying it out loud. I just had to tell him.  
  
All he did was answering me with a kiss on my forehead, just like the one we had to retake so often for our drama-episode just way sweeter and more effecting, then he placed a kiss on the tip of my nose, lastly another one on my lips again.  
His hot hands stopped pinching my already hard nipples, stroking along my ribs, drawing the lines of my rib bones. Then they continued their way down to my pajama-pants, resting on the waistband for a few seconds then slipping into them massaging my erection in the most amazing fashion.  
“Oh ..fuck..!”, I let out a loud moan rearing up against his already sweaty body.   
  
Soon both of us had gone rid of our clothes, spreading them on the floor in front of the bed that creaked under our movements.   
My fingers clasping around his hot and pulsating member I started stroking up and down his length, trying to give him as much pleasure as possible. He showed a positive reaction as he groaned into my mouth, pausing the passionate play of our tongues every time I ran my thumb over his already slippery tip.  
  
He too played his strong fingers around my already throbbing member, jerking me off in a slow, teasing rhythm and making me wind under his sweating, heavy body. I could tell my limits were being tested as he started massaging my balls with his index finger. I threw back my head and instantly tightened my grip on Kangins twitching erection, bringing him close to the edge.  
“I love you, Youngwoon… I love you…” I moaned over and over as my hips thrust forward into his hands.  
  
His hot breath caressing my wet skin he whispered my name over and over again until he climaxed in my hand, spreading his white cum on my pale abdomen and his voice turning into a loud grunt.  
Having seen his sexy face while cumming I too couldn’t hold back anymore and let out a choked scream, arching my back once more.  
  
As we looked at each other our hair sticking to our wet skin and both of us panting for air I smiled. And he returned the smile pushing his lips on mine again making me shiver once more with his intense kiss.  
  
Totally worn out I fell asleep in Kangins strong arms while his fingers kept stroking over my shoulder. Maybe this was my happy end? I wasn’t sure…  
He hadn’t said that he loved me… and of course he had been drunk. So maybe all of this was just thanks to his drunkenness…  
But I at least wanted to believe that this night at the motel was the beginning of happier times. The beginning of a time of mutual love between Kangin and me.  
  
But as the sun had risen the next day I woke up and found myself alone in the small room. Kangin had disappeared. I looked around for a note.  
“Maybe he just went to get some breakfast…”, I whispered and tried to make myself believe those words. “But maybe he woke up finding himself next to a guy and couldn’t take the shock”, my mind interjected.  
I shook my head. No. this couldn’t be true. Just a few hours ago he came while watching me, while touching me, while calling out my name. He kissed me so passionately, caressed my skin with such gentleness…  
He couldn’t possibly have woken up finding himself in a nightmare when seeing the naked male body next to his, could he?  
  
I started to panic. Where had he gone? And why? How could he drag me here, make me raising my hope, even jerking off with me and then just leave me behind while I was so happily asleep… ?  
He knew I loved him… so how could he do this to me? How could he do this?  
  
Tears started stinging in my eyes again. I tried to tell myself that there was nothing to cry about, that I should be happy he spent that night full of lust and pleasure with me even if he didn’t love me… but I just wasn’t able to believe in those words. I knew better.  
This wasn’t what I wanted. I wasn’t satisfied with a sweaty night in his arms. I wasn’t satisfied having him come over to release himself when he’s drunk.  
I wanted him whole. Body and Soul and Heart. Everything. I wanted him to see only me. Loving only me.  
  
I took a deep breath, blinking away the tears before I got up and went into the really small bathroom. I looked at my reflection in the big mirror, gazing at my naked body being a silhouette against the red painting of the bathroom wall.  
The red marks were still burning on my pale skin and I felt like I could still feel the touch of his lips on my neck and my collar bone spreading small butterfly kisses.  
  
Sighing I climbed into the shabby shower and turned on the cold water. Maybe it woke me up… .  
Enclosed by the crackling sound of the water crashing down on me I closed my eyes and tried to prepare myself mentally for the return to the dorm.  
What would I tell the others? What would I tell Sungmin?  
And how would I react when I had to face Kangin again?  
It would be so much harder now that I knew what his body looked like tensed with lust and glittering with pearls of sweat. I wouldn’t be able to look at him again when I so clearly remembered his face when he came and his grunting voice moaning my name.  
  
I felt my body getting hot again and grinded my teeth. I really was stupid. Way too stupid.  
  
When I put on my clothes again and dried my hair poorly I noticed that Kangin at least had gotten rid of the trash before leaving. I smiled sadly thinking that he just was a good person after all… .  
  
I left the room and waited at the front desk to return the key. When the old man appeared in front of me and took the key with shaking hands I looked at him. Just as he nodded me goodbye and turned around to go back to the room behind the entrance I felt the urge to ask him whether someone had left a message for me.  
He lifted an eyebrow and then shook his head.  
“Ah… thank you. Good bye…” I nodded in his direction leaving the building.  
Of course people stared at me when I walked all the way back to the dorm still wearing my crinkled pajamas holding my one slipper in my hand.  
  
I just hoped no one would recognize me. It’d be a huge article, that was sure… “Super Junior Leader walking around in his pajama in the broad daylight. Has he gone nuts?”  
They surely tried to spread the rumor of me returning home from a naughty night with some woman.  
Well… they wouldn’t be all wrong about that, I thought and slipped a sardonic laugh.  
  
Before I opened the door to our dorm I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a second trying to prepare myself for the interrogation that was most likely waiting for me inside.   
  
“I’m back!”, I tried to sound like I always did when I opened the door. I threw my one slipper to the floor and entered without minding my dirty feet.  
I thought it was strange when no one came running up to me asking me intimate questions about what had happened last night after Kangin had kidnapped me.  
  
When I entered the living room I froze at the sight of Kangin sitting on our couch, a glass of juice in his hand and a bright smile on his lips.  
“Ah… there you are!”, he said in a loud voice as he stood up and came up to me. To my surprise he still was all smiles and put his arm around my shoulders.  
“You’re late! … ah!” He suddenly looked like he remembered something. “You didn’t walk here all bare foot, did you?” He asked with a shocked expression bending down to inspect my feet.  
  
I still was at a loss of words not knowing what just happened around me. And while Kangin was making a fuss over a small cut on one of my toes I spotted Sungminnie sitting on the floor smiling at me like he wanted to say “You have to tell me _everything_!!!”.  
Siwon seemed to have noticed how lost I felt right now as he came up to me explaining. “Kangin came over this morning to apologize for his rude behavior the last days and that he intruded yesterday and just took you away. He told us that you spent the night at a motel and that it was all his idea so we shouldn’t blame you for staying out without saying anything.”  
  
He had told them? He had told them _what_?! For a second I looked at the others in panic. What if Kangin had told them what they had done during the night in the motel?  
But everyone looked so calm and normal…  
I calmed down again. He hadn’t uttered a word about what had happened between us. But…. I glanced at Kangin who just placed a plaster on my toe and smiled at me… but what did Kangin remember? What should I do if he only remembered getting drunk? How would I explain him waking up next to me being all naked and sweaty?  
But his eyes didn’t seem to question the situation he had found himself in when he had woken up from his sleep.  
  
Sungmin raised from the couch and took me aside for a moment. “You owe me an explanation, hyung!”, he stated excitedly. “Kangin came here about 2 hours ago and he totally apologized to me! He almost owed down!” I could see the sparkle in his eyes. “He said he was sorry about overreacting and that he had to let himself settle and take all of the things in for some days to finally understand that he was in the wrong when pushing me and all.”  
I glanced at Kangin unbelievingly. I couldn’t imagine him apologizing to Sungminnie…. Almost on his knees. I knew his pride and how hard it was for him to even mutter small words of apology… .  
  
“Something _really_ good happened.. am I right?” Sungmin almost spasmed with anticipation.  
My cheeks turning dark red seemed to be answer enough to him as he let out a small squeal. When Kangin flashed us a glance, Sungminnie smirked at me one more time then returned to the couch.  
  
“I’ll help him wash his feet.. otherwise your dorm will get a total mess”, Kangin excused the two of us and took my hand leading me out of the living room to my own room where he closed the door behind me.  
“… why…. Why did you leave this morning?” I asked glancing at him as he stood in front of me slinging his arms around my waist and pulling me closer.  
  
“I wanted to settle everything here…”, he answered in a low voice. His eyes were gently placed upon my face. “It would have been awkward for you to return otherwise, right?”  
I felt like crying. I remembered the doubts I had about him that morning and I felt guilty seeing how he only had thought about me… .  
“Stupid!”, I muttered placing my hands on his chest. After being sure that I wouldn’t show him any tears of relieve I lifted my head and looked him into his eyes. “I’d have preferred waking up next to you instead of being left all alone…”  
  
Kangin bit down on his lower lip showing a guilty expression for a second, then smiled at me again. “I… I have to apologize to you too… I mean… like… properly apologizing….” He cleared his throat and gently stroked my sides. “I surely put you through a hard time…”  
“Of course you did, dumbass!”, I pouted close to tears again. But I couldn’t help but smile…  
“Hey… you wouldn’t have known how to react if your best friend confessed to you, right?”, he defended himself laughing. “I never thought about our relationship that much… so… it took me a while to sort out my feelings… I mean…. We always were that close… right? I always had told myself it was us being best best friends that made me feel angry sometimes when you spent more times with the others and stuff…  Your words just scared the hell out of me…”  
  
I cuddled to his chest when I saw his serious eyes. I was sure that he had spent the whole three days brooding over the nature of our relationship. He too had had a hard time… .  
And he had chosen me. Besides his great fear – the same as mine – he had chosen me.  
  
“I didn’t know how I should feel. I was shocked but at the same time my heart was beating in something like happiness but then again I was scared and… aaaaaah!” he let out a scream. “I just didn’t know what to do. So… I simply rushed over to your dorm and decided to just listen to what my body and mind were telling me. Well… it’s best to find out with the concerned person when it comes to find out about a relationship, right?”  
  
He lifted my chin and cupped my face with his big warm hands.  
“And… and at first I was unsure about whether it was the alcohol making me wanting you that much… but when I woke up I thought I’d choke on my heart beat when I saw you next to me… I was so … I was just so damn happy…”  
  
Now I lost it completely and silently shed some tears while listening to his soft voice and watching his smile shining between his blushed cheeks.  
“I… … I….”, he breathed deeply once more and then blew a soft kiss on my lips before smiling at me insecurely. “I… love you too.”  
  
I could tell how hard it was on him confessing. But he brought himself to do so… and it made me happier than ever before in my live.  
I didn’t think about the obstacles still ahead. I didn’t think about what the other members would say if they ever found out. I didn’t think about how many details I’d tell Sungmin. And I didn’t think about the crisis that would rise if the public ever got suspicious.  
  
Kangin said he loved me.  
Kangin gently kissed me.  
Kangin pulled me close.  
Kangin loved me.  
That was all that mattered.  



End file.
